First of all: Let me start by wishing you a very Happy New Year, filled with new possibilities, love, gratitude, happiness and everything else you want to experience in this brand new year.
I decided to get the new wishes out-of-the-way first, before I start talking about the ‘old’ year. Which was about two weeks ago, funny how suddenly something seems old in a matter of days or weeks.
For me 2015 was a year of hiding. It took me a while to figure that out. As I was reviewing the past year in my mind, I noticed a lot of similarities to the word ‘Hiding’ or synonyms of it. Even though I made quite a nice start: writing down something positive for every day during four (!) months. Amazing that I actually managed to do such a thing: keeping up with a daily practice is very hard for me.
I even made something creative during those months and I was very proud of it.
My creative well dried out soon after that.
I was mourning a friendship that didn’t exist anymore and I was pondering on where it all went wrong. Needless to say such thoughts don’t make you feel happy or anything that can resemble making you smile or laugh…
So I hid. I read books and books and some more books, anything to keep myself from thinking about the reality and try to limit the hurt I was feeling. I went so far as to alienate family and friends. The question if I was still alive, was asked quite a few times.
And I don’t have to explain to you that the whole hiding-thing made sure that I hardly went outside, which caused my anxiety to flare up even more. Because the outside world was too loud, too hard, too fast and I simply couldn’t deal with it all.
So while going over 2015 in my head, in bed, as the new year arrived, I noticed that first: I had been hiding, but second and perhaps most important of all was that I was letting my happiness depend on other people. Which is actually SO wrong! My happiness shouldn’t depend on other people it should depend on me. I am the one who can make myself happy with doing things for myself and for others if I have the energy for it. I don’t want someone else to have the key to my happiness and then run away with it. Seriously, what was I thinking?
So, after thinking a lot about this, I have decided that I’m putting myself in the centre again. As it should be. Doing things that makes me happy and dare to do things that will help me grow. Which will be an exciting adventure. Most likely I’ll have some panic attacks along the way and doubting myself over and over while making a decision to move forward. But that’s part of the journey, I guess. And I need to remember that although I will most likely fall a few times, I’ll get up too. And I’ll be stronger because of it. I just need to believe in myself.
See you soon!