Little test

Need to make a little test to see what get’s updated when I post a blogpost. Let’s add a picture here too:


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Ending a year and starting a new

First of all: Let me start by wishing you a very Happy New Year, filled with new possibilities, love, gratitude, happiness and everything else you want to experience in this brand new year.

I decided to get the new wishes out-of-the-way first, before I start talking about the ‘old’ year. Which was about two weeks ago, funny how suddenly something seems old in a matter of days or weeks.

For me 2015 was a year of hiding. It took me a while to figure that out. As I was reviewing the past year in my mind, I noticed a lot of similarities to the word ‘Hiding’ or synonyms of it. Even though I made quite a nice start: writing down something positive for every day during four (!) months. Amazing that I actually managed to do such a thing: keeping up with a daily practice is very hard for me.
I even made something creative during those months and I was very proud of it.


My creative well dried out soon after that.
I was mourning a friendship that didn’t exist anymore and I was pondering on where it all went wrong. Needless to say such thoughts don’t make you feel happy or anything that can resemble making you smile or laugh…

So I hid. I read books and books and some more books, anything to keep myself from thinking about the reality and try to limit the hurt I was feeling. I went so far as to alienate family and friends. The question if I was still alive, was asked quite a few times.

And I don’t have to explain to you that the whole hiding-thing made sure that I hardly went outside, which caused my anxiety to flare up even more. Because the outside world was too loud, too hard, too fast and I simply couldn’t deal with it all.

So while going over 2015 in my head, in bed, as the new year arrived, I noticed that first: I had been hiding, but second and perhaps most important of all was that I was letting my happiness depend on other people. Which is actually SO wrong! My happiness shouldn’t depend on other people it should depend on me. I am the one who can make myself happy with doing things for myself and for others if I have the energy for it. I don’t want someone else to have the key to my happiness and then run away with it. Seriously, what was I thinking?

So, after thinking a lot about this, I have decided that I’m putting myself in the centre again. As it should be. Doing things that makes me happy and dare to do things that will help me grow. Which will be an exciting adventure. Most likely I’ll have some panic attacks along the way and doubting myself over and over while making a decision to move forward. But that’s part of the journey, I guess. And I need to remember that although I will most likely fall a few times, I’ll get up too. And I’ll be stronger because of it. I just need to believe in myself.

See you soon!

Posted in Dagboek, English | 2 Comments

Some revising

The next step, after you have finished your draft, is revising. (Very nice first sentence.)

My blog post from last week, seems more like a draft. That is what I realize after a week of trying my Action-Plan. The ‘kamikaze’ analogy wasn’t far from the mark. I want to change too many patterns at once and that won’t help my cause. (Discouragement is one of the feelings that have been popping up frequently the past seven days.)
So, I think it’s best for me to revise my draft-plan.

Copy from last week with notes:

  • Regular sleeping pattern and healthy food. (This will be the main focus, since those habits are essential for healthy living.)
  • Anxiety-exercises (monitoring anxiety responses before, during and after an exercise) (I did do an exercise, but didn’t note everything down like I used to. My folder with notes is not available for me at the moment, since I forgot it with my counselor.)
  • Physical exercise (XBX: advised by someone, and some yoga) (I was a little bit too enthusiastic about XBX, need to slow that down or I won’t make it. I had a whole pity-party on Monday because I felt sore. Yoga is off the plan at this time.)
  • Writing exercises (or perhaps some art) to gain access to blocked feelings and mental issues. (I did journal in my notebook, but other than that I’m a little bit stuck, so I’ve started reading a little e-book called Wrestling a Tornado: Overcoming Writing Challenges. We’ll see how that works.)

That’s it for this moment. Short but sweet, right?

See you next week!

Posted in English, Nadenken, Schrijfoefeningen, Writing | 2 Comments

Back… and some stuff about me

Write a first sentence to get rid of the blank page fear.
Yes, step one is completed. Phew. Feeling so much better now. (No, not really.)

Ok, so I’m just going to type it here, like I’m thinking it. Or like it comes to me, that is probably better. And I realize that writing in English might cause some grammar and/or spelling mistakes, but if I don’t do anything, I can’t learn it, right? Ok, perhaps I should probably take a look at some books to be on the safe side. In fiction books I sometimes find those mistakes. Or I read a sentence and inside I’m cringing. (I mostly read in English.)

And after reading this first paragraph, it hits me that there were a lot of ‘I’s…

After a first sentence, well actually before, you should have an idea what you want to express. (Is the use of ‘you’ after the use of ‘I’ confusing? Hmm. Need to work on that too.)

First of all, my blog was sadly abandoned. I’m really sorry. After several rather good months, the winter-blues got me and it all went downhill. It’s the end of May and I’m finally (FINALLY) crawling back up. Of course some stuff happened, and it influenced me in ways and I tried to learn from it. As life is supposed to be, I think. But the blues was a lot longer than the previous years, or perhaps it just seems like that to me. (Being objective about yourself is not easy.)
I (and someone else) gave a workshop of bookbinding at a local center. I tried to date, but it didn’t end very well. (We’re better in a friend-relationship since I still have a lot of issues to work out concerning intimacy and the stuff around it.) What else happened? I had a best friend and we kind of grew apart… And I went full-on avoidance-mode after that. (Avoiding people, avoiding reality as much as was possible and also avoiding creativity, which is actually a large part of myself. So I just practically avoided myself = in short. I advise you NOT do that. I don’t care it sounds weird, but DON’T do that!!)

The result of all that avoiding: a wacked up sleep (not that it ever was good to begin with, it’s been like that for years), gaining weight (because losing weight would be too easy), losing my independence when it comes to going outside (high anxiety-levels and being tired All The Time), uncertainty about my writing capabilities (because surely I have never written anything good), non-existent art (hello expensive, drying art materials), low self-esteem (it just flushed down the toilet, I think) and my perspective on life seems to be more negative than it was before (it was never really a 100% positive though).

So, I think there is a change needed. Like a big change. Like a enormous change. Like a gigantic change.(Yes, I’ll stop now.) And I’ve been brainstorming on an Action-plan. (Yes I’m very good with theory, I just need to implement the practice.)

  • Regular sleeping pattern and healthy food.
  • Anxiety-exercises (monitoring anxiety responses before, during and after an exercise)
  • Physical exercise (XBX: advised by someone, and some yoga)
  • Writing exercises (or perhaps some art) to gain access to blocked feelings and mental issues

Seems like a good plan right? The trick will be to ease into this. Not go on full kamikaze and crash after two weeks. That’s not really productive, is it?

Oh, and don’t forget pauses. For relaxation and hobbies. Very important to keep a balanced schedule. (Not all work and no play.)

Of course I will have to keep you updated. I mean, I can’t just start this post and disappear from the blogosphere again, right?
I won’t promise to update every day, because I’m not sure if I’ll make that, but I’ll do a weekly check-in? (And if I post more, no harm done!)

So I’ll see you next Saturday evening!

Take care! Glimlach

Posted in Bloggen, English, Schrijfoefeningen, Writing | 2 Comments

van woensdag op donderdag

Het is gisteren een niet zo leuke, maar wel interessante dag geweest. Met interessant bedoel ik dat er emoties naar boven zijn gekomen waarvan ik niet dacht dat ze er zo diep waren. En dat resulteerde dan wel in een waterval, maar dat heb ik overleefd.

Ondanks de vermoeidheid die me parten speelt, is hier vandaag binnenshuis redelijk wat veranderd. Mijn bureau hoek ziet er helemaal anders uit, waardoor het lijkt alsof mijn appartementje groter is… Of ik heb het beter gezet?
In ieder geval, met al het opruimen, wegsmijten, herorganiseren is het een heel stuk leuker geworden. (En ja ik ben wel iets over de grenzen geweest, ondanks de pauzes.)

Naast de vermoeidheid verminderen wordt het ook stilaan tijd om terug aan de slag te gaan wat mijn angsten betreft. Af en toe swingen ze de pan uit. (En niet in de goede zin.)
Misschien dat mijn nieuwe bureauhoek mij daar wat in kan helpen om de zaken effectief grondig te bekijken en zo maatregelen te treffen.
Dat klinkt allemaal gewichtig, maar eigenlijk wil ik gewoon een angstwerkboek vastnemen en er mee aan de slag gaan om de angst minder kracht te geven. (Dat klinkt precies al beter.)

Enfin, weer hoog tijd om in mijn bed te kruipen als ik effectief een deftig slaapritme wil behouden.

Tot later!

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